Tuesday, June 27, 2006

Bad Days

So ... what's wrong with your day?

"I can't watch World Cup coz I've no cable."
"I can't go outdoors coz my doctor wants me to rest more."
"I can't talk or eat."
blah blah blah

it's so easy to find flaws with things. Most of us has a small side of a perfectionist in ourselves, and we do really expect everything to be flawless. When we go on a date, we hope nothing goes wrong. When we visit a restaurant, we hope the food we ordered to be good.

If something happens below our expectation, like if the candle falls and burns the stupid table cloth, we'll probably mark it as a bad day. And so it goes, we go thru so much more bad days than good ones, blah blah blah, emotionally, physically, mentally, wadever. Sometimes we whine about it, others bitch about them, to friends to relatives on their blogs wadever.

So why not try this, ask yourself instead ... what's GOOD about your day?


What made u smile today?

Let's see ...
"She finally called back!"
"Finally i made proper plans to go JB after I recover"
"And i've lived out 2/3 of my recovery period"

we do realise good things less easily than bad things, but nevertheless, they are there. So why not just chew on it and sniff it in like a fresh breath of air. And to live it better, dance on it.

Now that's what i call living!

thanks Andy.

Sunday, June 18, 2006

My Ordeal

I've really seen it all this time ...

I've witnessed the infamous receding sight of the ceiling as I'm wheeled on a trolley bed from my ward to the Operating Theatre. The theatre was cold, and there were big glaring lights everywhere. It was really as I've seen it on the tube. The surgeons mentioned that it will be a long operation, as long as 5.5 hours. The process sounded terrifying, my upper gums will be scrapped a little, and some teeth removed as they pushed my jaw back. I am grateful for the fact that I'll be knocked out fully with drugs before the doctors begin their work. What was a few hours to everyone else would probably seem only a few minutes to me as I snooze through their work. I talked to my Anastetist a little while the doctors discussed something. She was quite amused that I was a medic and understood some of the medical terms she's been using to her fellow collegues. An intraveneous line was inserted into my left hand vein, and then some drug was injected into my left arm. They placed a mask over my mouth, and before long my world literally began spinning. I feel myself losing consciousness, and then everything went black.

When i awoke, i felt weakness coursing through my entire body. I was still in the same room on the same table, only that the process is finished. My mouth is tied up with rubber bands and fitted with some drain pipes for blood. I can't open my mouth due to the restrains. The surgery is completed, and I was wheeled away to the Intensive Care Unit (ICU) for a night of observation. It proved to be the longest night that I've been through. The ward's condition is horrible. The room was small, cramped and there was no air conditioning, ventilation was bad. My head was still spinning from the drug injected into me earlier, and I vomitted twice during my ordeal, with my mouth closed and teeth shut. At times, i really felt like I was vomitting my life force out of myself. There was blood and objects which seemed like bits of my inner flesh. I cant move much, I cant open my mouth to clear my throat, and I cant drain the fluids from my clenched jaw. The only thing I can do is swallow. Fortunately, the nurses are kind and patient. They attended to me and assisted me as much as they could. More apparent to me than ever, nursing really seemed a noble career.

I welcomed the first rays of dawn. The night has been really horrid. My surgeons came into the ICU to check on my condition. Being unable to speak, I had to play charades with them. I was taught to feed myself from a tube with an all balanced milk diet, before I was taken back to my own general ward. This one's air-conditioned, thankfully. I slept thru the rest of the day ...

Now I'm at home, my cheeks still swollen as ever. My teeth are still tied, and I won't be able to speak or eat proper food for as long as 3 weeks. A tradeoff i gave for this operation, may be that I've lost the sensation of half of my chin and some parts of my lower jaw. In other words, the nerve cells there might have died ... maybe for good (I pray otherwise). The doctors have said the sensation will come back slowly, it may take even up to a year. Im willing to wait anyway, hopefully time really heals this wound, else I'll really doubt the worth of this surgery.

All the while, I'm truely thankful for all my friends. Though I haven't seen anyone for quite some time due to my request, I felt the pressence of everyone thru the simple SMS and MSN messages. I'm grateful for your existance, thank you all so much. You have no idea how much comfort it brought me reading your simple messages of well wishes and health. I speak no lie. Now that I'm going through one of my weakest moments, I've sincerely felt the shine of everyone's blessings at their fullest.

This one thanks you. =)

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Withdrawal Symptoms

barely back for a week, and already pressed with problems up to my neck.
Had a thrashing with my club chairperson, some quarrels with my mom, and a few others with my aunt. Life is really catching up on me fast.

maybe it's some kinda trip withdrawal symptom, but Im missing Philippines bad.

The simplicity of the life ...

The warmth of the people ...

The abundance of nature ...


My team mates ...

etc etc etc.

blah blah blah. sleep time


Wednesday, June 07, 2006

i feel sick.


I can NOT be sick at this time.

The whole plan will have to be aborted.

and that just ...


Tuesday, June 06, 2006

Blogs and Rantings

She was constantly scribbling away on a foolscap pad...

It almost looked like she brought an essay assignment all the way from Singapore to complete in another country.

So i assumed she's a hardcore blogger, who can't stop journalising her days and thoughts either with a keyboard or with a pen......

until she told me she's not, and on the contary, she described blogging as kinda fake. You put down your thoughts (or what you think are your thoughts) on a space in the world wide web, and people starts reading them. You can bitch on and on about how disastrous a date went and your readers would know about it ... and maybe the next day you'd blog about how your date turned out to be a mutant (yeah, way to go Xman) and your readers would know about it. If the contents are real, good for you. If it's not real, good for you too, since noone would know that it's made up.

I guess i partly agree with her, some part of it is really kinda fake, like a movie or a wrestling match. I think that's what I've been feeling all the while when i blogged, just that i dun have the guts to put it to words, since I'm a blogger myself. I don't usually blog about my daily activity, like when i sleep or when i shit ... rather, I tried to maintain my blog more towards an emotional and spiritual side of things. Track back on my posts if you don't understand what I'm talking about. And when i see problems with things, i blogged them out as well. When these problems involve people who might read my blog, i might or might not spill my thoughts, since it might complicate matters if you realised that a post your reading is actually blasting about you.

Well, my point is?
I don't really know as well, just some food for thought i guess. Like it or hate it, bleah.

Anyways, I'm planning to shift my focus on another blog that i can bitch freely whom the readers are not likely among those whom are bitched upon.

Go figure, bleah.

By the way, you still owe my dog a birthday present.
Yeah you, im referring to you.