Friday, August 01, 2008

Dear cousin ...

On the 26th of July, 2008, you locked yourself up in your room in Banjarmasin, Indonesia, and you took your own life,

Just a short week ago, you were still in Singapore, and we were chatting and watching YouTube videos in Ah Mah's house. For meals, we often ate the same food on the same dinner table. You asked me some computer upgrading issues, and I suggested that you scour Sim Lim for the answer. Everytime I visited Ah Mah's house last month, you were either sitting on the living room floor playing PS, or in the room using your laptop.

Before you left for Jakarta, you bidded me goodbye on msn. I asked when you'll be returning again, and you told me in 3 months time. That turned out to be a lie ... intentionally or unintentionally. Now that I think of it ... it may be the first time you bidded me goodbye on msn... it has also come to be the last.

We've spent a good part of our childhoods together in Jakarta, mainly playing video games. You were a great companion and elder brother to me. As we aged ... our paths diverted, as I walked my own path in Singapore. I still see you once in a while, though we weren't as close as before. I guess that's really a part of growing up. I am not as close to any of my cousins as I were before ... but at the back of my mind, I know that everyone is safe and well. That knowledge is enough for me.

I was told later on that you tried to contact all of our cousins before your departure to Indonesia. That's really a first ... but no one suspected anything unusual.

You rascal. Did you have it all planned..?

You were really the wrongest person to go. You were only 26, a year older than me. You are the most likely champion among the cousins to take over Grandpa's empire to an extent... and you even have marriage plans in place with a beautiful fiancee. I met her in Banjarmasin, she's so pretty ... and patient as well. I envied you, how could you have left her and us behind? Your death is so surreal, and it's just so wrong. I can't accept it ... I refuse to accept it.

Now that you're gone, my mornings seem so different somehow. Something seems to always be missing when i wake up in the day, and a part of me feels wrong. Its without doubt caused by the vacancy you've created in my soul when you left this world.

Our family has perhaps done you much wrong through your 26 years of living. You do not have loving parents who's always around to care and love for you. Many times, you were pretty much on your own. And yet, never once you revealed to us the sorrow you must have felt within. You're always full of smiles and jokes ... and perhaps that's why everyone assumed you're ok. Whatever's on your mind ... just know that you were never alone. You were never an outsider and you are always a precious puzzle piece that makes up our complete family. I don't often say such things to family members ... but i mean it.

Despite all the wrongs we might have caused, you left behind much goodness for us on your departure. For the first time in history, our family reunited in Banjarmasin to tour our grandfather's heritage. Intan Wijaya, our heritage which I have always heard but never seen. It's simply astonishing ... beyond belief, that our family name actually has such a huge impact on the Indonesian economy. The whole stretch of land, docks, ships, all under our name.

You have provided me a huge motivational and inspirational boost to not let down our family name... to reach for greater thing, and bring the Tanmizi name to an even higher level. Thanks to you as well, my mom and Ah Mah are now on better terms. To think they've been on bitter ends just last month... Also thanks to you, many of our employees are now able to meet their high level employers in an official company dinner on the night before we left Banjarmasin ... the first time in 16 years.

I miss you Nov ...
I'll never see you again.
Just 2 weeks back, we were still under the same roof.
Now, your separated from the mortal realm.

I cannot accept it. I refuse to accept it.
I didn't come to think that you'll be the first to shatter my heart in my whole 25 years of living.
The first to devastate me to such an extent ...

... i dunno what else to say. It's like a nightmare I can't wake up from.

Wherever you are ... I hope you are finally at peace, without worries nor sorrow.
Please be happy ... don't let our tears go to waste.
Take care of yourself ... and please watch over those whom you left behind in this cruel world.

Goodnight, Sweet Prince.

I miss you ... I love you.

let this blog finally be laid to rest, but let your memories be never forgotten.